The Beauty and Horror, that is Pregnancy.

Sitting here in the hospital lab waiting for 3 hours for a series of blood tests and urine samples with only a bottle of water to be taken (after making you gulp a disgusting bottle of sugar drink!); after fasting for at least 10 hours all because I’m pregnant (glucose test) and aching everywhere! I need to eat NOW, dammit!

After 1.5yrs, I’m back again to the cycle. Welcoming back 3months of nausea and puking, a bit of spike of energy in a couple of months after, and then back to hell without remorse.

Sure, before I even got pregnant with my first child, I deemed of pregnancy as something beautiful to experience, the very essence of a woman they say. I always see grace from these pregnant women, despite how they look and walk showing signs of difficulties. It boasts their sheer strength. It is so admirable. Not to mention, that beautiful small being you are making inside, a miracle for sure. Then, I have experienced it myself.

It is a beautiful experience indeed but a horror at the same time. And I am not yet talking about labor and delivery!

I am a working mom and chose not to have a nanny, I drop-off and pick-up our son to/from the nursery and takes care of him at home with the time left for the day. Mothers don’t rest, and I am amazed of the energy that I have everyday even while I am pregnant with our second. But some days, pregnancy just takes toll of my EQ and energy, or sometimes -all of me -and I’m unapologetic…

• Hormonal: I can go crazy in a snap and break your bone if provoked; at the same time cry like a baby for seeing a sick hippopotamus on TV. The same culprit for putting more pimples on your face and everywhere else, and those creepy hairs on your growing bump!
• Nausea & vomiting: no, I don’t care if I vomit in front of you, so get out of the way. And please move away, your perfume smells horrendous!
• Heartburn & bloating: Painful gassy stomach due to bloating (because your stomach muscles are relaxed due to hormonal changes). You eat because you are easily hungry (even at midnight) then your stomach backfires with pain. Then later it puts you to shame, making you fart more than usual for relief! (so much about beauty in pregnancy!)
• Cravings & weight-gain: I will eat anything I want and no one can stop me, or I will eat you too! One pint of dark chocolate ice cream and dark chocolate cake slice on the side please?! Then at the end of the day, you’ll cry for looking like a whale but you just can’t help it!
• Body aches and pains: This one’s a winner. It takes all your good vibes in pregnancy and drowns you with all sorts of sore, especially back and pelvic pains. Nope, you can’t sit too long in the office without feeling pain; nah you wish you can stand still for 5 more minutes; and walking makes your pee slip out like a criminal! And on weekends, I could not even outrun and chase a toddler around. Sitting down and standing up makes you look like a granny.

Imagine all that to be endured in 9 freaking months (except nausea, if you’re lucky) on your own. It’s an emotional battle more than a physical one in my opinion. But you know what, you’ll find new admiration for yourself for going through it even if you’re screaming inside. I feel the miracle of having my unborn child and that eternal bond between us (even if he often does karate inside while I’m having a good sleep). You feel so much love, that is the very thing that keeps you going.

It’s true what Science says, women have selective memory -if not, no woman might choose to have another child (and a dozen more!) after experiencing one pregnancy/delivery. Because after all the aches and pains, and much more horror during delivery, you forget everything!… I bet you, nothing beats the moment you finally see your baby and holding the beautiful miracle in your arms. Love will overflow, forever.

My Journey to Motherhood

We all love our moms. She is the very woman who modeled for us a boundless, true love. The woman whom we know will always be there for us, until her last.

Such love was never more realized and appreciated until I became a mom. Starting the time I knew about my pregnancy, instant love for that tiny spec inside my uterus was overwhelming -it’s beyond words. A kind of love that grows greater even if it causes so much body aches, nausea, and sleeplessness. I’ll do everything to protect and keep this budding life inside me healthy and ‘happy.’

The first semester was the worst, adjusting to the surge of bodily changes and increased hormones production causing nausea and vomiting -anytime, anywhere. Every thing smells too strong for you. You seem to have a nose of a dog, smelling stuff even from a block away. I can’t go on groceries for a period, I would just puke.

Second and last trimester were better, I take bodily pains easier -like back aches and heaviness due to you growing bump. Although having disrupted sleeps due to your bump size and baby’s movements, the pregnancy glow is a miracle. At some point you just feel and look beautiful -that baby bump gives your very essence as a woman, a privilege, a blessing.

At 37 weeks and 5 days of gestation, on 8th of December 2014, I delivered a gorgeous and healthy baby boy whom we named Liam Rafael (chosen names even before he was made). It was an utter bliss.

When I imagine the trauma and pains of labor, it was nothing compared to the joy the first time I saw my son.

This is surreal achievement of a lifetime. And I am delighted and blessed to be his mom.